It Looks Like More of a Marathon
I should have known better. My post of ‘Lift Off‘ was just a tad optimistic and the last week or so has proven that beyond a doubt. It’s still a problem and right now I am focusing on damage limitation. The mental health affects of drinking too much have, over the last few days, become almost unbearable. The anxiety has gotten to a point where there are times I can hardly breathe. I struggle to leave the house to go to work, I mean it’s almost like a physical pain to get there. When I get home I have no energy and go to bed as early as I can just to hide from the world (by early I mean about 7:30 pm – and even though I get up about 5:30 am it’s still very early). None of this is normal.
I struggle to be in large crowds – even in open spaces – as if my concept of personal space has extend from a few feet to several yards or tens of yards. This makes using lifts almost impossible and shopping a complete no-no. Woe betide the person who gets to close behind me when I’m queuing at a checkout.
So I am still languishing in phase 1 – acceptance that I have a problem. And the longer I take to address it the bigger the impact is having on me. I need to move to phase 2 as soon as possible. If only I knew what phase 2 was? ‘Stop Drinking!’ I hear you exclaim. Oh really? I wouldn’t be writing this if it was that easy. I do try. Yesterday was a drink free day. Today will most likely be a drink free day. Tomorrow? Less certain but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. Friday – oh God let’s not even think about that. And there in is one of the problems. After a few (2-3) drink free days I feel (kid myself) that I am on top of the situation and that “I deserve a pint!”
And you know what? That’s absolutely fine as far as it goes, but it can never be ‘a pint‘. It has to be 2, or 3, or 4 or more and more. Why? Why after a hard working sober week can’t I go to the pub or go home and have a beer – singular – and then get on with things? I guess if I could I wouldn’t be writing this. And you can see that is a lot of units from last week – a lot of calories and basically the equivalent for running for almost ten hours! Holy crap! I ran for ten hours! (You’re seeing how my brain twists achievements so that I can ‘celebrate’ with a righteous drink or ten!)
Yesterday was a non-drinking day, not that I don’t want a drink but just because I have managed to get busy enough (and anxious enough) to focus on ‘getting stuff done’. Today could be more of the same but deep in my head I’m already planning the weekend of drinking (and lying about it). So what can I do? I have so many (personal) projects which have been left on the back burner because I’d rather goto the pub so perhaps tackling some of those would be a start. Then I need something to reward myself with. Gah! What? What would be a suitable, inexpensive, non-alcoholic for ‘being a good boy’? *Thinks* Nope nothing comes to mind – except perhaps time. I can reward myself with using the time that I would have spent in the pub doing something fun and frivolous. Mini golf, go swimming, create that 3D model of the dog I’ve been planning. And then? A drink? N, no, no! This is the problem I’ve created an alcohol based reward system which I’m struggling to break and then because of my high alcohol dependency instead of it just being a beer (or even two) it’s glasses up ’til we fall down.