It’s one thing to acknowledge that you have a problem, it’s quite something else to do something about it. I have a problem with alcohol. If you’ve read “Day One” then you may already have guessed this. And while I’ve been basking in the satisfaction of admitting this to myself I have as yet done nothing about it other than try to continue to contain it (read as ” try to hide the full extent of the problem from everyone I know“). But no more. It stops here!
I had said previously that I didn’t want alcoholism to define me, yet it has continued to do so and to no good effect. Now the more serious of the associated symptoms are starting to make their presence felt.
There is a definite cycle to the process. I’ve been observing it for a few weeks now during which time I also noted that the cycle has a diminishing period, that is to say the cycle becomes more and more rapid.
Consider a typical time period. I’ll enter the cycle from a point where I’m both sober and not suffering anxiety or depression.
- Day 1 Feel good. Productive in tasks. Keen to progress
- Day 2 Feel good. Productive in tasks. Have alcohol as a reward.
- Day 3 Feel OK. Slightly less productive More alcohol
- Day 4 Don’t feel great. Depressed. So have more alcohol to cheer me up.
- Day 5 Anxiety starts to kick in either do nothing in an attempt to try and break the cycle or more likely drink more alcohol to try and feel better
- Day 6 Anxiety kicks in big time. Night sweats. Paranoia. Occasional amnesia.
- Day 7 Recovery and re-start the cycle
Sometimes it’s a 7 days cycle – sometimes a 4 – and I can see the potential for there to be a continuous run of cycle points 3 to 6. A downward spiral in ever decreasing circles towards oblivion.
In addition to all this there are ‘triggers’ which impact on my mood and as a result the way in which I react to situations and the people around me:
- Feeling redundant – that my work is irrelevant
- Feeling stupid
- Feeling angry – directed at myself but taken out on others
So where to start?
This blog is part of the treatment. Having a range of categories that interest me (including the random Side Orders) it is designed to allow me to practice my writing skills, cajole me into taking more photographs, read more and write about what I read and of course share my feelings and thoughts on a road to recovery. I don’t know where this journey will end, all I now know is that there can be no more moderation – only abstention on a path to a better future.
I’ve also started reading Stephen Covey’s “7 Habits” and will share my thoughts on those as I study and practice them.